For Caleb

[takecourage]

Now that Darlington is in town (not in a pocket universe where she can't get to him, essentially lost to her), Alex finds herself more invested in making her apartment feel like home. She's never had this kind of disposable income and, after buying herself t-shirts and sweaters and underwear and jeans, a really good pair of boots and a good jacket, she turns her attention to nesting. Ground Zero had been a shithole, but this was her place, and she was going to do it right.

She hadn't wanted to subject Darlington to shopping, so she'd sent Caleb a text and arranged to meet him so that they could go browse together. Alex is dressed in a sweater that's too big for her (she hadn't been able to resist it in the store; it had been so soft), her leather jacket, the voluminous scarf that Darlington bought her for Christmas, soft navy wool studded with tiny silver stars.

Comments

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

That earns a little bit of an eye-roll. "I'm not a boy," he mumbles. "I'm gonna be eighteen in, like, five months." He doesn't know much about Alex, beyond some pretty important things, but she's probably right. If his parents met Alex and talked to her for longer than ten minutes, they probably wouldn't want Caleb spending time with her.

But so far, she's been nice, and her feelings aren't gross, or bad, and who cares if she takes her clothes off for money?

[takecourage]

"You're a boy, kid," says Alex, but she does nudge him with her shoulder, smiling at him when she says it. "At least I know you're not going to accidentally end up in the audience, so...it's all good."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb rolls his eyes again and he gently nudges her back. "I don't think I'd be there, anyway," he says. "I can only imagine the sorts of feelings the, what, customers, there have." He shudders a little, imagining a bunch of Henrys hovering near the stage, or whatever, with their slimy, smug feelings.

[takecourage]

"Probably best if I don't think about that too hard, honestly," she says. "I can cope with them being pervs if I don't interrogate it too much." She shrugs. "Won't be the worst thing I've ever done."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Fuck, good point," he says. "Sorry." He looks around as they walk, trying to remember what he'd wanted to grab for his place. Anything he buys, he wants to make sure it's easily transferable in May, after he's eighteen and doesn't have to mooch off of Michael anymore.

[takecourage]

"It's okay," she says, walking in silence beside him for a moment. "So, a friend of mine turned up. It's been...a while since I saw him. It's..." Something flutters in her core, and she winces, knowing that Caleb will pick up on it. "It's really good."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb looks over at her, just in time to see the wince, and decides not to remark on the butterflies he feels from her. Maybe later.

"From your home?" he asks, and he feels another jump in his belly that's entirely his own. If she got someone, and Michael and Alex have each other, then maybe Adam...

[takecourage]

"Daniel Arlington. Darlington." She smiles when she says his name. "He was... Kind of my boss, back home. And he went away for a while, but... He's back now."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb lifts a fake potted succulent off of one of the endcaps they're near, and he looks at it instead of watching her. He doesn't want her to see any disappointment in his eyes and mistake it for something different. He's happy for her, he really is, and he's pretty sure it's not just her feeling happy about this Darlington guy. (God, what a name.)

"But, you like him as more than a boss," he notes, pinching the rubbery plastic leaf of the succulent between one finger.

[takecourage]

Alex frowns at that, picking up a weird looking soft toy sloth.

"He's...yeah, I guess he's a friend now too. We did Christmas together."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb sets the succulent back down. He feels the jump in his belly that's actually hers, and he wonders how much she actually realizes about her own feelings.

"You liked that," he says. "Spending time with him like that?"

[takecourage]

"Yeah, actually," says Alex, thinking about anything but how relieved she'd been to see him because she doesn't want Caleb to pick up on her guilt. "I cooked. Mostly stuff my grandma used to make for Hanukkah but whatever. We did gifts."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb can feel there's more there, but he can also feel the strange, poking sensation of her trying (and failing) to hide something from him. Guilt. She felt... guilty? He frowns a little, watching her.

"Why don't you want me to feel that?" he asks. He tries to keep his voice somewhat gentle, but his confusion sets it to a slight edge.

[takecourage]

She should have known. Alex stares at him for a moment, that wary expression that she gets on her face when she knows she's given away too much. And she can't hide that from him, can she?

"He was gone," she says, finally. "For a long time."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

The guilt that washes up into Caleb's belly is a molasses-thick sludge. He watches her, confused and concerned by that. It's coming from her. It's not the guilt that someone feels when they left something unsaid. It's so much bigger than that. He opens his mouth to ask, but a store associate stepped up and asked if they needed help.

"Um, no, I, I think we're good."

The guy glances at him, then at Alex, and there's something slimy and warm when he looks at her. He's all professional smiles, though, and repeats the question for her, instead.

[takecourage]

"You fucking heard him," she snaps, her face impassive until he scuttles off. She fights her desire to run away; she doesn't have enough people to be careless with them here.

"I don't want to talk about this here," she says.

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Okay," he says immediately, because she's honest with him about it. "I'm sorry, I. I didn't mean to upset you."

[takecourage]

"It's not your fault," she says. "Come on. Let's go and get a coffee. We can...clear the air and then we can buy scatter cushions and shit."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He nods, and they walk in silence back through the store, to the in-store Ahab's by the exit. He orders a hot cocoa with whipped cream, and offers to pay for Alex, to thank her for buying him fries and two shakes the first time they'd met.

When they're sitting with their drinks, Caleb thinks back to that moment before the associate had approached them, and what they'd been talking about. Christmas.

"Did that guy get you any good presents?" he asks. "That Darling guy?"

[takecourage]

Alex is actually in the process of unwinding her scarf as he asks her and she smiles.

"Yeah, actually," she says. "He got me this. I've literally never owned anything this soft in my life."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb smiles, sipping his hot chocolate and lifting a hand to wipe the whipped cream from his upper lip. "It looks warm, too," he notes. "Did you get him anything?"

[takecourage]

"Yeah," she says. "A beanie to replace once of his that I lost back home. Much nicer than the one that I lost. It looks...unreasonably good on him."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

That has him grinning. "I'll bet it does," he says, tone light and teasing. "Does he... know? That you feel this way?"

[takecourage]

"Feel what way?" Asks Alex, both eyebrows firmly raised. "I'm just really relieved to see him."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Well, that's true, you are," he confirms, "but that's not all you feel." He lifts his eyebrows right back, a little pointedly.