For Caleb

[takecourage]

Now that Darlington is in town (not in a pocket universe where she can't get to him, essentially lost to her), Alex finds herself more invested in making her apartment feel like home. She's never had this kind of disposable income and, after buying herself t-shirts and sweaters and underwear and jeans, a really good pair of boots and a good jacket, she turns her attention to nesting. Ground Zero had been a shithole, but this was her place, and she was going to do it right.

She hadn't wanted to subject Darlington to shopping, so she'd sent Caleb a text and arranged to meet him so that they could go browse together. Alex is dressed in a sweater that's too big for her (she hadn't been able to resist it in the store; it had been so soft), her leather jacket, the voluminous scarf that Darlington bought her for Christmas, soft navy wool studded with tiny silver stars.

Comments

[takecourage]

"This is going to sound stupid," she says. "But...pretty things? I've never...had a lot of new stuff. And back at Yale, my roommate had this cashmere bedspread and it was the softest thing I ever felt."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He nods as he considers that. "So, what sorts of things d'you like, then? Like... I don't think you're gonna find a cashmere blanket in a store like this. But there might be other stuff. What should I keep an eye out for?"

[takecourage]

"Soft, pretty things." She thinks about her tattoos, the moths slumbering in the box in il Bastogne. "Flowers. Like peonies. Mostly just stuff that nobody's ever owned before. A lot of my stuff back home was from thrift shops. The fanciest I ever got was Target."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb doesn't see anything wrong with Target, honestly. His family was always comfortably well off, but they weren't rich, or anything, so it's not like he was out shopping in the high end shops.

"So thrift stores are definitely out, then," he notes. "And probably antique stores, too." He thinks about where else they could go, besides this particular store. "And it's too cold out for places to sell live plants, unless we found a greenhouse, or something. Unless you wanted, like, silk flowers, or something." He thinks about her earlier remark about scatter cushions, and gestures vaguely towards the depths of the store. "But we could check out the Home section, see what they have for pillows and stuff?"

[takecourage]

"Yeah, let's do that. Darlington's spending most of his time at my place, so..." She's aware of blushing just faintly and she hates it. "I want it to feel like home."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

That's a good sentiment, Caleb thinks, and he even manages not to tease Alex for her feelings about it. He finishes his hot chocolate, makes sure there isn't any whipped cream on his face, then tosses the cup in the nearby trash can. Once Alex is ready, they make their way further into the store so they can look at the throw pillows and floor cushions.

[takecourage]

Given the fact that the apartment that she grew up in had been all Mira's things and Ground Zero has been a total shithole, Alex isn't entirely sure what she's looking for. She wanders, touching, letting her fingers trail against pillows and blanket, occasionally glancing over her shoulder to make sure she hasn't lost him.

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He's not so very far away, but he's mostly letting her shop for her own things, and he's occasionally picking something up to study it, then putting it back down. Eventually, he'll get a blanket or something, for the back of the couch. Maybe some throw pillows of his own, so that when he wants to watch Filmfix (which, seriously, what the fuck) he can be a little more comfortable.

[takecourage]

Alex picks up some cushions, embroidered with flowers, another embroidered with constellations. She stops fo a moment, lingering over one with a design of a sequined snake. A smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. Sometimes, she really misses her tattoos. She thinks of the address moths, slumbering, their shuddering wings.

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb looks up when a warm, clenching feeling enters his arms and ribs, and his eyes land on Alex, where she's... looking at pillows. He doesn't get it, so he moves closer.

"Why is that making you feel... It's, it's not homesickness, but it's... You miss something?"

[takecourage]

"Oh, Jesus," she says, but she's smiling softly when she says it. "I really can't hide anything from you, can I?" She turns towards him and lifts her sweater, revealing the tattooed snake head peeping over the waistband of her jeans. "I used to have more, but...I kind of left them behind."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He offers a helpless shrug. "Human mood ring, reporting for duty," he says simply, then frowns when he hears what she says next.

"What d'you mean, 'left them behind'? Tattoos don't just fall off." Shit, do they fall off? If he got a tattoo, would it just fall off?

[takecourage]

"It's...a magic thing," she says, having the good grace to look a little bit sheepish. "Darlington did it. I was...trying to go incognito at Yale."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"What, were your tattoos magic, too?" he asks, with the sort of laugh that suggests he thinks that's not likely.

[takecourage]

"No," says Alex, shaking her head, the blunt ends of her hair shivering against her shoulders. "Nothing magic about them. Just...made me stand out, I guess. So we...minimised them. The ones most people can see, anyway."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"And you didn't want to stand out," he says, brow furrowing a little. "How come? I, I mean, shit. You don't have to answer that. That's none of my business."

[takecourage]

"Do I look like someone who belongs at Yale?" She says. Somehow, knowing she can't hide things from him makes it easier to tell the truth.

"I was trying to."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Who the fuck cares what you look like?" Caleb asks, maybe a little defensively. Someone nearby is offended by his language, but he doesn't really care. Alex shouldn't feel like she has to change herself to fit in.

[takecourage]

"I cared," says Alex, but she does smile at the curse word. "I just...wanted to look like a girl who deserved to be there, you know?" She shrugs. "Whatever. It was stupid and now my tattoos are in fucking moths. So."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Wait, what?"

Caleb is still switching gears from wanting to defend her from herself, from whatever experience she'd had that makes her think her appearance — how she dresses, what she has inked on her skin — decides where she belongs. But then she mentions moths, and he's more confused than he's been in awhile.

[takecourage]

"I told you. Magic. They're called Address moths." She visibly shudders at the memory of the way the moths had felt on her skin, their shuddering wings. "They sort of...drain the ink out of the skin. And then they hold it until you want it back."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Where do they go in the meantime?" he asks, picking up the snake pillow to sort of flip it in his hands like a football. "Do you keep 'em in a jar, or, like. Do they just hang out in a tree somewhere?"

Do they disappear, until someone — Darlington, he guesses — makes them come back? Can they give the ink to other people? Does it hurt?

[takecourage]

"They're in a box at il Bastogne," she says. "As far as I know, they're still there." She moves down the aisle a little bit, running her hand over a blanket, feeling how soft it is.

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Pillow?" he offers, hesitating by the display so he can put it back if she doesn't want it. Then he joins her again.

Up ahead, he sees a giant bin of round cushions. From here, they look velvety, and each one is probably the size of his torso. He takes a few jogging strides closer and pulls one out.

It's impossibly soft, and heavier than he'd thought, like there are little weighted packs underneath the thick fluff, but he can't feel anything no matter how he squeezes. And he squeezes it a lot.

"Oh my god, get these," he decides, tossing one at her. It's floppy and soft and amazing, and he grabs another one in a different color to hug on it. "I'm getting one. Two," he corrects when he sees they're only six dollars apiece.

[takecourage]

Alex is honestly grateful for the distraction and, when she picks up a cushion in navy blue, she hugs it against her chest. "Shit, these are amazing," she says. "I'm getting two of them too."