For Caleb

[takecourage]

Now that Darlington is in town (not in a pocket universe where she can't get to him, essentially lost to her), Alex finds herself more invested in making her apartment feel like home. She's never had this kind of disposable income and, after buying herself t-shirts and sweaters and underwear and jeans, a really good pair of boots and a good jacket, she turns her attention to nesting. Ground Zero had been a shithole, but this was her place, and she was going to do it right.

She hadn't wanted to subject Darlington to shopping, so she'd sent Caleb a text and arranged to meet him so that they could go browse together. Alex is dressed in a sweater that's too big for her (she hadn't been able to resist it in the store; it had been so soft), her leather jacket, the voluminous scarf that Darlington bought her for Christmas, soft navy wool studded with tiny silver stars.

Comments

[takecourage]

Alex just stares at him for a moment, a faint flush going across her cheekbones.

"I mean, I'm an asshole but I'm not blind." She digs her phone out of her jacket pocket and flicks through her phone to find a picture of Darlington folded into an armchair in her lounge reading. She holds it out to him as proof.

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Which, okay, Caleb's not blind, either. The Darlington guy wasn't ugly, but maybe wasn't entirely Caleb's type. He wouldn't know for sure until he'd met the guy, though.

"Yeah, but it's not just, like, a 'he's cute' sort of feeling. It's deeper than that." He doesn't want to say the L word. When he'd realized how he really felt for Adam, it had been one of the most incredible feelings in the world. He doesn't want to toss that word at Alex and have her fight against it.

[takecourage]

"Are you sure it's not, like...just that I'm really relieved to see him?" She picks up her coffee, taking a sip, not looking at Caleb for the next part. "I thought he was dead."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"There's relief, too," he assures. "But it's a different color from what you're feeling. A different shape." And then, because he can feel the curiosity from her before she even asks, he explains. "So, relief is this really pretty pastel pink color. When you talk about him, that's definitely there, but it's underneath the other stuff. There's also these fluttery, butterfly feelings inside your ribs — well, my ribs. That's how it feels when someone likes someone else."

[takecourage]

"Huh."

She lets that sink in for a second. "So is...liking someone and wanting to fuck them too different colours?"

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He blushes hard, and he rubs his face with a groaned out laugh. What the hell.

"Um, yeah. Being, um, being, y'know. That's different."

[takecourage]

That does make Alex laughs, a warm and genuine sound.

"Horny," she says. "How?"

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Her amusement feels good, better than the wariness of earlier, but that doesn't make it any easier to talk about this.

"Well, it's, it's not a color, exactly. It's a sensation. It's like this hot vapor, like. It's not so hot it hurts, but it's too hot to be exactly comfortable? And it s-sorta pools, right in my lower belly." And because he's thinking about it, he's having a reaction to it, and he's really glad there's a table over his lap.

[takecourage]

"So it feels how it feels to the person who's feeling it too," says Alex, one eyebrow raised. "That's...interesting. And you get off that me when I talk about D...when I talk about him?"

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Yeah. Mostly the butterflies, though." He's still blushing, he knows he is, but he also needs a minute to calm down. One day, he'll have enough control to not be directly affected by everyone's feelings. He hopes.

[takecourage]

"And the butterflies mean that, what? I'm in love with him?" She lifts her cup but doesn't take another sip.

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I mean, maybe," he says with a shrug. "It means you have feelings for him, anyway." He doesn't want to give a hard and fast answer. Everyone feels their feelings in different ways, and he'd really need to spend more time with her to be sure. "It could be love, or it could just be, like, a really big crush? Everyone feels things differently."

[takecourage]

"Well whatever it is, it doesn't matter because I'm definitely not his this," she says. "He probably exclusively dates shiny, athletic blondes named Jessica."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I mean, I didn't think I liked guys until I spent time with Adam," he points out. He shrugs a little, like he's a really great example of people's ability to change. (He's really not.) "And I'm not sure I do, still. I mean. It was... just Adam."

[takecourage]

"Okay, that's adorable," she says, grinning at him. "But shiny rich boys like Daniel Tabor Arlington the fucking fifth just don't go for mongrels like me."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"You're not a mongrel," he says sharply. He feels defensive, even though they barely know each other. Whatever Alex has done, whatever she's seen or felt. She's not a fucking mongrel. He doesn't even have the wherewithal to comment on Darlington's name.

[takecourage]

"I am a bit," she says, and she feels the need to offer him her hand, to reassure him that she's not upset. "Never knew my dad. Just my mom and my grandma. Left home at fifteen. Whatever I am, it's definitely not purebred."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He takes her hand briefly, squeezing gently. Then he rolls his eyes. "Newsflash, Alex," he says, "there's no such thing as a purebred person anymore."

[takecourage]

"You say that because you haven't met Darlington," she says, huffing a laugh through her nose. "But whatever. I'm sorry. I won't say it again, okay?"

She squeezes his hand back.

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Good," he says, then pulls his hand back so he can cup his hot chocolate. "You're not a fucking mongrel." He takes a big drink of it now that it's cool enough to do so. "What're you looking for, anyway? In the store? Like, what sorts of things?"

[takecourage]

"This is going to sound stupid," she says. "But...pretty things? I've never...had a lot of new stuff. And back at Yale, my roommate had this cashmere bedspread and it was the softest thing I ever felt."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He nods as he considers that. "So, what sorts of things d'you like, then? Like... I don't think you're gonna find a cashmere blanket in a store like this. But there might be other stuff. What should I keep an eye out for?"

[takecourage]

"Soft, pretty things." She thinks about her tattoos, the moths slumbering in the box in il Bastogne. "Flowers. Like peonies. Mostly just stuff that nobody's ever owned before. A lot of my stuff back home was from thrift shops. The fanciest I ever got was Target."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb doesn't see anything wrong with Target, honestly. His family was always comfortably well off, but they weren't rich, or anything, so it's not like he was out shopping in the high end shops.

"So thrift stores are definitely out, then," he notes. "And probably antique stores, too." He thinks about where else they could go, besides this particular store. "And it's too cold out for places to sell live plants, unless we found a greenhouse, or something. Unless you wanted, like, silk flowers, or something." He thinks about her earlier remark about scatter cushions, and gestures vaguely towards the depths of the store. "But we could check out the Home section, see what they have for pillows and stuff?"

[takecourage]

"Yeah, let's do that. Darlington's spending most of his time at my place, so..." She's aware of blushing just faintly and she hates it. "I want it to feel like home."