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[takecourage]

She spends a lot of time curled up on the couch, staring at nothing. She's swaddled in blankets, the AC cranked up so that she can wear one of Darlington's sweaters, swaddled in it, her hair scraped back from her face and Kirby sprawled half in her lap, her fingers pressed into his fur. She sleeps a lot. She wants to cry but she just feels hollowed out and brittle. Darlington is still here a lot. They talk. Gradually, it feels like they're working something out.

She just doesn't know what it is yet.

Mostly, she ignores texts, but when Caleb reaches out again, she finally cracks.

Come over, she texts. I'm at home.

Comments

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb rests his chin on the top of her head, smoothing his hand up and down her back. "We'll work this out, Alex. I promise." He wants to ask what she did, but it feels wrong to bring it up. She can tell him in her own time. For now, he just wants to hold her, and help her feel less like she's a piece of garbage.

[takecourage]

"You're going to think I'm so gross," she says, knowing that he can feel everything that she's feeling, one way or another. She curls up against him, tighter. "You..." She closes her eyes. "I didn't want you to know, you know? I liked that you thought I was...better than that."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I don't think you're gross," he argues. He squeezes her gently. "And I still think you're better than you think you are. But you're also a person. You make mistakes, that's— that's not a bad thing! It's something we deal with and learn from."

[takecourage]

"I got wasted," she says, quietly. "Pills. Weed. The last thing with fentanyl. I've...been in hospital for a few days." She strokes her fingers over Kirby's soft ears. "I screwed around."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Because you were upset, and scared, and angry, and you didn't know how deal with it. That's, that's something we can help you with, okay? Me, and Daniel, and... maybe I can introduce you to Dr. Fuller." He shakes his head, because he doesn't know what else to offer. "Alex, you... you're not alone, okay? You don't have to deal with this shit alone."

[takecourage]

"I don't think...I don't really know what's happening with Danny." She idly tugs at the sleeve of Caleb's shirt, rubbing the fabric between her fingers. "He stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital. We're...talking. I think he wants to figure it out. I...don't know if we...But I want to."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He nods. "I'm sure he does, too. He loves you, Alex, I've felt it. So..." He shrugs a little. "D'you want me to talk to him?"

[takecourage]

She shakes her head.

"No. I want you to sit here with me and order pizza and watch a stupid fucking movie," she says, tears still clinging to the edge of her voice. "He says he wants to make it work. I...Believe that. I don't understand it. But still."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He nods. "I'm not going anywhere," he promises. "I meant later, or, or tomorrow." He shrugs, but he settles them on the couch and kisses her hair, and he pulls his phone out of his pocket to order pizza online.

[takecourage]

Alex sits quietly while he calls up their usual order.

"I've got some cash in the bedroom. Danny left it. I'm going back to work but I don't know...when. I don't look great at the moment."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Don't worry about that," Caleb says. He kisses her hair again. "I'm taking care of you today, okay?" He rubs her back and rocks her gently. "You're not gonna be alone today."

[takecourage]

"I wasn't on my own, was I, Kirbs?" says Alex, scratching the big dog between his ears. She stays leaning in against Caleb, though. "Promise me you don't think I'm...grubby or something now? I probably would have hit on you if you'd been around, honestly."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I don't think you're grubby," he says. "Come on, of all the people you know, I know what it's like to have all these feelings you don't know what to do with, and you just want to get them out." He leans his head on hers. "You're not grubby. You just made some mistakes while you were really upset."

[takecourage]

"I told him about it," she says, chewing on the edge of her thumbnail. "What we did. Not...who I did it with. I don't want him to have anyone to focus on, you know?"

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb nods, and gently pulls Alex's hand away from her mouth. He laces their fingers so she can't keep chewing on her nail.

"That's good, though," he says. "I mean. Isn't it? No secrets?"

[takecourage]

"Yeah," she says, nodding squeezing his hand when he takes hers, staying close to him. "I guess. I just..." She leans her head against her shoulder. "I'm just really fucking tired, Caleb."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I know," he murmurs. "Hey, I'm here, okay? I'll put a movie on after the pizza gets here, and we can just sit close like this, and chill, okay?"

[takecourage]

"Talk to me about something normal," she says, shifting on the couch so that she can slide her legs across his lap, keeping hold of his hand and bringing it to rest on her belly. "Have you seen that guy again? I feel really out of the loop."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Neil? Yeah, we're, we've been hanging out a lot." He blushes a little. "I actually, um. I told him about me? About my ability, I mean. And we're, um. We're kind of a thing, now."

[takecourage]

"Oh, that's good," she says, smiling a little more, snuggling in against him. "He looked cute in that selfie you sent me."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb smiles. "Yeah, he's... I got really nervous, 'cause he's so much like Adam? But... Dr. Fuller says I probably just have, like, a type, or whatever. So, I guess my type is, like, emo nerds, or something." He huffs a laugh, because he doesn't mean 'emo' as an insult, even though it often gets used like one.

[takecourage]

"It's good to know that you've got a type, man," says Alex, grinning. "I...don't think I've got one, to be honest. Just...Danny and then anyone else I can talk into fucking me. Apparently."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Hey," Caleb says sternly, but then changes tack. "You don't need a type. Not everyone has one, y'know?"

[takecourage]

"I think my type was wastes of oxygen before I got here," she says, wryly. "I was only with...one guy, but I had sex with a bunch of others." She wrinkles her nose. "Sorry. You don't need to know this."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"It's okay," he murmurs. "You don't have to apologize." He leans his cheek on her hair, then glances towards the door when someone buzzes to be let in. "Stay here, okay? Snuggle Kirby while I get the pizza."

[takecourage]

She does just that, curled up on the sofa with Kirby spilled across her legs, her fingers pushed into his fur as Caleb retrieves the food. Having Caleb here is helping; she doesn't feel quite so much like she's drowning in herself with him here.