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[takecourage]

She spends a lot of time curled up on the couch, staring at nothing. She's swaddled in blankets, the AC cranked up so that she can wear one of Darlington's sweaters, swaddled in it, her hair scraped back from her face and Kirby sprawled half in her lap, her fingers pressed into his fur. She sleeps a lot. She wants to cry but she just feels hollowed out and brittle. Darlington is still here a lot. They talk. Gradually, it feels like they're working something out.

She just doesn't know what it is yet.

Mostly, she ignores texts, but when Caleb reaches out again, she finally cracks.

Come over, she texts. I'm at home.

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[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb shows up only a few minutes later, which means he'd actually been close by. And he was: he'd come to barge his way in, because she's been ignoring his texts and the last time someone he cared about behaved differently via text, it was Michael, getting carved open, and he'd helped Alex Manes track him down and—

No. This is about a different Alex. This is about Alex Stern, and Caleb finds himself hesitating at the door.

Whatever she's feeling, it's a lot. It's a thick, heavy mist, gray and off-white and black and cold. It's like marble, he realizes, like a black and white marble counter-top — cold, unyielding, impossible to see through. His hand is sweaty when he grips the handle and pushes his way in.

"A-Alex?" he whispers. It feels like he has to whisper. He doesn't know if it's actually dark in here, or if it's just that counter-top blocking out the light.

[takecourage]

When the door opens, Kirby lifts his head, letting out a soft bark that's more of a bass boof, soft, somewhere in his increasingly broad chest. Alex lifts her head, a smile just barely tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"Hey."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb is frowning as he comes in, as more of Alex's feelings sink into him.

"Fuck, what— Wh-where have you been?" He moves faster, now, rushing towards her and stopping just within arm's reach of her.

[takecourage]

"A lot happened," she says, her voice raw and low. She judges Kirby's bulk to make room for Caleb on the sofa. "And I was...pretty fucked up for a lot of it. I didn't want to...I didn't want that for you."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"What, what d'you mean?" he asks. He leans a knee into the space that Kirby's vacated, but his hand hesitates, hovering over Alex's shoulder. "Why do you feel like this?" His voice is smaller this time, and he hates the way it wavers, but he knows it's not all his.

[takecourage]

"I've fucked everything up," she says, simply, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. "Danny's back at Dimera."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb shakes his head. "Alex... what happened?" Not 'what did you do?' Not 'how did you fuck up?' What happened. Because he knows Alex, and he knows her feelings, and he knows that whatever she thinks she did, she probably didn't do it.

[takecourage]

"He found out. About Hellie." She sniffs. "About the bat and how Len and those other fucks died." She shrugs, her face impassive. "I told him I wasn't sorry. That I'd do it again."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"But you didn't do it," Caleb points out. "Hellie did. Did you explain that to him?"

[takecourage]

"All he knows is that I let her in," she says. "And I didn't go mad, which is apparently what should have happened. And I don't know if it's going to forgive me for that."

There's a lot that she thinks he's probably never going to forgive her for.

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb shakes his head again, more, like that will change what he's hearing. His fingers finally coming to rest on Alex's shoulder, and they squeeze gently.

"So, so you let her in," he says. "Like, we've talked about that, you and me, it's— You still weren't the one to do anything after that. You let her in, because you loved her, and—" He frowns. "And she took advantage of that, Alex. That's, that wasn't you. He can't blame you for that!"

[takecourage]

"He thinks I'm a murderer, Caleb," she says, leaning into the touch on her shoulder. "And worse still, he thinks I lied to him about it."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I know," he says, and when she leans into his touch he shifts and pulls her closer to hold her completely. "I know. But you're not, Alex. You're not. Hellie is. She used you, she, she fucking took advantage of you, and that's not your fault! He just needs to understand that." He doesn't point out that she admitted to lying about it the last time they'd talked about it. He doesn't point out that he'd told her to tell Daniel the truth as soon as she felt able. Neither of those things are productive. Right now, Alex needs comfort, and support, and he's here for that.

[takecourage]

"I also went kind of off the rails after we broke up," she says, curling close to him. "I...I'm not really that proud of a lot of it."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb rests his chin on the top of her head, smoothing his hand up and down her back. "We'll work this out, Alex. I promise." He wants to ask what she did, but it feels wrong to bring it up. She can tell him in her own time. For now, he just wants to hold her, and help her feel less like she's a piece of garbage.

[takecourage]

"You're going to think I'm so gross," she says, knowing that he can feel everything that she's feeling, one way or another. She curls up against him, tighter. "You..." She closes her eyes. "I didn't want you to know, you know? I liked that you thought I was...better than that."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I don't think you're gross," he argues. He squeezes her gently. "And I still think you're better than you think you are. But you're also a person. You make mistakes, that's— that's not a bad thing! It's something we deal with and learn from."

[takecourage]

"I got wasted," she says, quietly. "Pills. Weed. The last thing with fentanyl. I've...been in hospital for a few days." She strokes her fingers over Kirby's soft ears. "I screwed around."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Because you were upset, and scared, and angry, and you didn't know how deal with it. That's, that's something we can help you with, okay? Me, and Daniel, and... maybe I can introduce you to Dr. Fuller." He shakes his head, because he doesn't know what else to offer. "Alex, you... you're not alone, okay? You don't have to deal with this shit alone."

[takecourage]

"I don't think...I don't really know what's happening with Danny." She idly tugs at the sleeve of Caleb's shirt, rubbing the fabric between her fingers. "He stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital. We're...talking. I think he wants to figure it out. I...don't know if we...But I want to."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He nods. "I'm sure he does, too. He loves you, Alex, I've felt it. So..." He shrugs a little. "D'you want me to talk to him?"

[takecourage]

She shakes her head.

"No. I want you to sit here with me and order pizza and watch a stupid fucking movie," she says, tears still clinging to the edge of her voice. "He says he wants to make it work. I...Believe that. I don't understand it. But still."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

He nods. "I'm not going anywhere," he promises. "I meant later, or, or tomorrow." He shrugs, but he settles them on the couch and kisses her hair, and he pulls his phone out of his pocket to order pizza online.

[takecourage]

Alex sits quietly while he calls up their usual order.

"I've got some cash in the bedroom. Danny left it. I'm going back to work but I don't know...when. I don't look great at the moment."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Don't worry about that," Caleb says. He kisses her hair again. "I'm taking care of you today, okay?" He rubs her back and rocks her gently. "You're not gonna be alone today."

[takecourage]

"I wasn't on my own, was I, Kirbs?" says Alex, scratching the big dog between his ears. She stays leaning in against Caleb, though. "Promise me you don't think I'm...grubby or something now? I probably would have hit on you if you'd been around, honestly."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I don't think you're grubby," he says. "Come on, of all the people you know, I know what it's like to have all these feelings you don't know what to do with, and you just want to get them out." He leans his head on hers. "You're not grubby. You just made some mistakes while you were really upset."

[takecourage]

"I told him about it," she says, chewing on the edge of her thumbnail. "What we did. Not...who I did it with. I don't want him to have anyone to focus on, you know?"

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb nods, and gently pulls Alex's hand away from her mouth. He laces their fingers so she can't keep chewing on her nail.

"That's good, though," he says. "I mean. Isn't it? No secrets?"

[takecourage]

"Yeah," she says, nodding squeezing his hand when he takes hers, staying close to him. "I guess. I just..." She leans her head against her shoulder. "I'm just really fucking tired, Caleb."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"I know," he murmurs. "Hey, I'm here, okay? I'll put a movie on after the pizza gets here, and we can just sit close like this, and chill, okay?"

[takecourage]

"Talk to me about something normal," she says, shifting on the couch so that she can slide her legs across his lap, keeping hold of his hand and bringing it to rest on her belly. "Have you seen that guy again? I feel really out of the loop."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Neil? Yeah, we're, we've been hanging out a lot." He blushes a little. "I actually, um. I told him about me? About my ability, I mean. And we're, um. We're kind of a thing, now."

[takecourage]

"Oh, that's good," she says, smiling a little more, snuggling in against him. "He looked cute in that selfie you sent me."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

Caleb smiles. "Yeah, he's... I got really nervous, 'cause he's so much like Adam? But... Dr. Fuller says I probably just have, like, a type, or whatever. So, I guess my type is, like, emo nerds, or something." He huffs a laugh, because he doesn't mean 'emo' as an insult, even though it often gets used like one.

[takecourage]

"It's good to know that you've got a type, man," says Alex, grinning. "I...don't think I've got one, to be honest. Just...Danny and then anyone else I can talk into fucking me. Apparently."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"Hey," Caleb says sternly, but then changes tack. "You don't need a type. Not everyone has one, y'know?"

[takecourage]

"I think my type was wastes of oxygen before I got here," she says, wryly. "I was only with...one guy, but I had sex with a bunch of others." She wrinkles her nose. "Sorry. You don't need to know this."

[greatamazingfeelingsboy]

"It's okay," he murmurs. "You don't have to apologize." He leans his cheek on her hair, then glances towards the door when someone buzzes to be let in. "Stay here, okay? Snuggle Kirby while I get the pizza."

[takecourage]

She does just that, curled up on the sofa with Kirby spilled across her legs, her fingers pushed into his fur as Caleb retrieves the food. Having Caleb here is helping; she doesn't feel quite so much like she's drowning in herself with him here.