(no subject)

[takecourage]

Nearly at the end of her second trimester, Alex finally concedes that they need to do some preparing for the increasingly imminent arrival. They've picked out a bedroom to turn into the nursery and Alex has spent days staring at various swatches on the wall until she'd finally settled on a dove grey colour for the walls. It's neutral, she figures, more palatable than the pastels that the girl in the DIY store had recommended. Even if she decides that she hates it, there's not a lot she can do about it, with all of the natives in Darrow gone like they were never even there.

"How long does it take you to change into things you don't mind getting paint on, Arlington?" she calls down the hall.

Comments

[more_magic]

"For God's sake, don't play the martyr," he says testily, his jaw tightening as her hands splay over the curve of her belly. Even if it's unconscious, it's a low blow. "I promised I'd tell you beforehand. Which I am. I promised I wouldn't take the Bullet unless there were literally no other options. And I'm not. I won't even bring it as a contingency if you're this bent out of shape about it."

He can feel the lie of the last bit on his tongue as it's said, but he swallows it back down. "I'm going to be fine."

[takecourage]

"I just don't understand why you've got to keep putting yourself in harms way when I'm about three months away from squeezing out your fucking kid," she says, her jaw tight. "You say that every...single...time....and I still end up rescuing your dumb ass."

[more_magic]

"Would you believe I'm doing this for her sake?" says Darlington, looking down at her as she glares up at him, gesturing with his free hand at Alex's belly. A few drops of paint run from the roller in his hand, speckling the toe of his shoe and the denim of his jeans. "If we're going to be a family here, if we're going to raise a child in the city, we should know as much as we possibly can. We should know what to expect if, God forbid, one of us vanishes. If we both do."

It's a concern that's kept him up late, kept him worrying over things he never would have contemplated in New Haven. He doesn't expect to give it voice until it's already out in the air between them.

"You won't need to rescue me this time. Even if you were in any way inclined to, or able."

[takecourage]

"You say that every fucking time," says Alex, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose. "I just want us...I want this to be enough for you, Danny. I know it's not, but I want that, anyway."

[more_magic]

Darlington lets out a heavy breath, setting the roller back into the tray and staring at it for a long moment, letting the knife blades of Alex's words sink in. He deserves them, he knows he does, but the accuracy of the argument does nothing to minimize its sting. Slowly, he turns back towards Alex and steps closer, moving to sit on the floor just across from her. He doesn't move to take her hands, not yet, though an ache settles in his chest with wanting to.

"I know," he says. "I know you want that, I know....I know you think that's not enough for me, and right now I can't tell you it is and have you believe me. Possibly I never can. I do want the answers, and I want them for myself, and for you, and for our kid. I've wanted there to be more to the world since I was eleven years old, Alex, and when I found out at seventeen that there was...it unlocked everything. I can't turn away from it."

[takecourage]

A muscle ticks in Alex's jaw for a moment and then she nods, and she reaches out, hooking one of her fingers with one of his. "Okay," she says, softly. "I get it. I don't like it, and I'm not going to pretend that I do, but...I think I get it." She looks up at him, her eyes ink dark. "Just...be safe, okay? If you've going to be an idiot, at least be as safe as you can."

[more_magic]

He nods, taking all that in, smiling faintly when her finger hooks onto his. It's not forgiveness, but there's understanding there. "I'll be safe, Alex. As safe as I can. That much, I can promise you."

[takecourage]

Alex lets out a heavy, laboured sigh and then takes his hand properly, squeezing his fingers. "You're an asshole, and I love you," she says. "Even if you don't know when to leave things alone."

[more_magic]

"You can take the Virgil out of Lethe..." he starts, but knows it's not the time for jokes, even gentle ones. Alex's fingers lace with his, the squeeze she gives them strong and full of all her irritation and affection, that strange commingling that he's come to think of as uniquely hers. "I love you too."

Leaning in, he presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth. "Back to painting, or do you want to keep talking? I'll...if you want to hear more, I'll tell you. Anything you want to know."

[takecourage]

"Lets paint and talk," says Alex, lifting his hand and pressing a kiss to the backs of his fingers before she takes her hand away and reaches for the brush again. "I presume you've got this all planned out?"

[more_magic]

"Starting to," he says, standing up when Alex turns to pick up her brush again. He loads the roller with fresh paint, going back to the wall he'd been working on before. "Since no one's around, there's nothing to be gained in waiting until dark. It's just a matter of picking the right day. Cam's asked for a map of the place beforehand so she can memorize all the exits and plan escape routes and contingencies, which...I know isn't the worst idea."

[takecourage]

"At least one of you has sense," says Alex, who, after all, is the queen of not really thinking a plan through until it all goes to shit. "Pity you don't have that compact from home. Although, shit. No security to fool."

[more_magic]

"No compact, no coins of compulsion," he says with a shake of his head. Both had been designed by Manuscript, and while he and Alex had each found uses--legitimate or not--for them back home, his distrust for the society still lingered. "Not that I haven't wished they were available, even if they wouldn't be totally necessary for this."

He smiles, fond and just a little impressed, looking over at her. "I still can't believe you used the compact."

[takecourage]

"I don't know what to tell you," says Alex, cradling her bump with her free hand as she leans in closer to the wall. "I'm good at thinking on my feet."

[more_magic]

"Can't disagree with that," he says, turning to reload his roller with paint and stopping mid-action, just looking at her. This time, the hand on her belly doesn't feel like an unfair reminder, another layer of argument; it's softer, sweeter, everything he hadn't ever known Galaxy Stern could be.

It makes him think of other seeds of other plans--but those aren't ready to bloom quite yet.

[takecourage]

"We'd probably have figured out something less catastrophic if you'd be there," says Alex, grinning. "So I was thinking I might go into the club later? I'm still learning my way around the books."

[more_magic]

"Believe me, Alex, I wish I had been." He smiles along with her, but there's a seriousness in his eyes, a faint grimness at the corner of his mouth, just for a moment. He's long forgiven himself for whatever happens in his future, in the Rosenfeld basement--as far as Alex knows, he was the victim of something, a rogue portal or a bit of magic left to grow feral--but the knowledge that he'd abandoned her and Dawes and Lethe itself to everything that came after still aches.

Even if it wasn't his fault, or his choice, it still aches.

Darlington lets it pass through him, focusing on what she says next. "Want me to come with you?" he offers. "Unless Kavinsky's going to be there too for some reason, I just..." He sighs, knowing it sounds overly protective, ridiculous, even with the mysterious shift in their surroundings. "I don't want you there alone if you don't have to be."

[takecourage]

"I can call him, if you want," she says. She thinks he's overreacting, but that doesn't mean that she can't see his point. "Or, yeah, you can come. You're better with numbers than I am anyway."

[more_magic]

"Asking if he was going to be there isn't the same as suggesting you call him," Darlington points out, perhaps a shade testily. He lets out a breath, lets his nerves go with it, focusing for a moment on a particularly stubborn corner of the wall he's painting. "I'll come. And help with the books, if you need it."

He looks over at her again, watching her thoughtfully. "You're really getting into that, aren't you? Learning how it all works from that side."

[takecourage]

"We're friends. I'm legit allowed to call him," she says, raising her eyebrows at his tone of voice. "What's that voice for, anyway?" She nods, leaning over the paint tray to load her brush again. "Yeah, I am. Never thought I'd be able to do something like that, but here we are."

[more_magic]

"Nothing, sorry," he says, instead of the God's sake, I don't want to fight again that almost comes out. It's too low a blow, too fresh after the last few minutes--and the irony of not wanting Alex left alone while he's happy to leave her behind for the sake of his own plans isn't lost on him--and in no way worth it. "I just wasn't trying to imply you should...impose, I guess, on him when I'd already offered to come along. All I was doing was asking."

He dips the roller again and moves closer to the window, rolling the paint on in wide, tall stripes and listening to her talk. "Here we are," he says. "I think it's...honestly, I'm happy you're giving it a shot. I think you'll be good at it, Stern."

[takecourage]

"A little bit of that is because you don't love the idea of the mother of your child stripping for a living," says Alex. In the past, it might have been a barb, a trip-wire designed to make him stumble, but now she states it as a matter of fact. "But, yeah. I like being in charge, kind of? I didn't think I'd ever get the chance, but..." She grins. "Maybe."

[more_magic]

"Guilty as charged," he says, but it's without defensiveness, no trace of the raised hackles that used to come up so easily when they talked about the club. He's never been as okay with it as Alex wants him to be, but he's grown into the idea, understood the importance of it for her on a level he might not have if they were still the people they'd been in New Haven.

Catching her grin as he turns to look at her, Darlington echoes it with one of his own. Alex's excitement is a palpable thing, her confidence and hope sinking warm into his chest. God, he loves her, and the thought overlays all else; even their arguments, their shifting, changing moods and the differences that will always be between them. Their Lethe bond was nothing compared to what they had now.

"Maybe," he says. "Whatever you decide, I'm in your corner. Always."

[takecourage]

"Yeah," she says. "I know that." She hadn't always known it. For a long time, even in Darrow, it had felt like she wasn't quite good enough for him, like nothing she did could ever be enough. They're really past that now, though. "We'll figure something out," she says. They always do. "Would you...what if I did want to go back to dancing after she's born?"

[more_magic]

"You're back to thinking you would?" he says, and though there's surprise in his tone, it's faint. "More than hypothetically, I mean." He does have to take a moment or two, thinking through the idea and weighing his own feelings, silencing the gruff sound of his grandfather's voice at the back of his mind. Eventually, he nods.

"Like we've said, I don't love the idea," he says. "And, yeah, a lot of that is down to my own hangups, but I'm also thinking about the closing shifts you used to pick up, and the doubles. And all the assholes you've ever told me about." A muscle twitches in his jaw at that last, something protective clenching tight within the center of him--even though he knows she can fend for herself, and has, and would. "But if going back would make you happy, if they can give you a schedule that works...I think you should do it."