Alex Stern (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
takecourage) wrote2020-06-20 09:11 pm
takecourage) wrote2020-06-20 09:11 pm
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Nothing's taking the edge off anymore. She's been drinking and getting high most days but, unless she's locked in the apartment, the grays are driving her mad. It seems to be worse since she broke up with Darlington; she can't keep a hold on it anymore. She'd mentioned it in passing to Kavinsky, knowing that he deals, and he's hooked her up with some fentanyl, which just makes her think of Hellie.
She sits slumped on a bench, staring out into space, the drugs and gear tucked into her satchel at her side. She remembers this kind of hole from before. Maybe she won't figure out how to climb out this time.
She sits slumped on a bench, staring out into space, the drugs and gear tucked into her satchel at her side. She remembers this kind of hole from before. Maybe she won't figure out how to climb out this time.
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She spots Alex on a bench, and it'd be a lie to say she doesn't feel a little relieved that she's not the only one feeling kind of crappy today.
"Wow, you look like shit," she says, casually taking a seat next to ALex without asking.
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"Wow, I guess I look the way I feel then," says Alex, but she's smiling when she says it. It even touches her dark eyes. "You ever just...wish you could stop existing. Like...just for five minutes. I don't want to die, I just...yeah. Fuck this noise."
She's tired, mostly, of the ache.
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There aren't as many people in Darrow who even give a shit, at least.
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"Yeah, me too," says Alex, rubbing her hand over her face. "I think I'm running out of things to try, too. At least things that aren't likely to, you know. Put me in the fucking ground."
Sometimes, just sometimes, she gets really tired of fighting against a world that wants her dead.
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Rue's thoughts go first to her own bullshit. The xanny bars and the OCs, every other thing she could get from Fezco back home just to drown everything out. But somehow, she doesn't think that's what Alex is talking about.
"Like... what?" Rue asks, not daring to hazard a guess. Alex has always seemed cool, but giving herself away seems like a bad fucking idea.
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"Shit. I've tried almost everything," she says, tipping her head back, her long hair spilling down behind the bench. "Ket's good. Heroin was good, but it pretty much scared the shit out of me. Fentanyl was the deepest that I've ever slept in my entire fucking life."
She curls her hand around the gear in her pocket.
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Truthfully, Rue doesn't remember much about that night at Fez's. At least not after the fentanyl. Two seconds of nothing stretched into what felt like fucking hours, and next thing she knew, she was home with Jules. Nothing fucking compares to fentanyl. But at the mention of it, Rue tries not to look guilty or excited.
When she speaks, her voice is tentative, her posture cautious.
"Oxy?" she asks, testing the waters.
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"I've tried it, but it never really gave me what I was...you know. Looking for." She shrugs. "Maybe if I was still fucking Danny behind wards and shit, that'd be more of what I wanted, but..." She turns her head and looks at Rue. "I just want to feel like I don't exist for a while."
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Of everything Rue has tried, nothing has even come close. Except maybe Jules. But that basically turned to shit.
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"From a friend, huh?" asks Alex, smirking. There's something about Rue that reminds her of herself, of Hellie - that skittish energy, something around her eyes. "Well, fuck." She digs the baggie out of her pocket. "I happen to have just the fucking thing then."