takecourage | (no subject)

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edie

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Mostly, what she does is stare. She holds Edie in her arms and she feeds her or she sleeps and she just...stares at her. Mostly, she's trying to figure out how something so utterly perfect can have come from her. Danny, she can believe it of, but her? What she do to deserve something like this. A few days after Edie is born, Alex lets Danny start texting people, letting them know that they can come and visit, if they want to. She installs herself in the sunroom with Edie wrapped in a blanket in her arms and she rocks, slowly, and she feels, for the first time in her life, like she's something entirely new.

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"Yeah, I think so," says Alex, settling into the corner of the couch. "We're not married, so it seems like the best possible option right now."

"Are you gonna?" he asks. "Get married, I mean. Not that you have to, like... people can live together and be in love and not get married." He sort of rushes that out, so he doesn't make Alex think he's judging her, or something. "Like, marriage doesn't make a family. I was just wondering." In his arms, Edie starts to stir a little, and he winces and presses a gentle kiss to her forehead.

"I've totally told you before," says Alex, sipping her tea, lifting her legs to curl them up underneath her as she watches him hold her baby, her heart full, somehow. Being around Caleb has always felt kind of like having a brother. "Boys like him don't end up married to girls like me," she says. "Not even when they knock them up."

Caleb rolls his eyes. "You need to stop with the classist bull," he says. "People get married for lots of reasons, and you two love each other so much that being in the room with both of you at the same time literally almost breaks my superpower." He isn't entirely kidding, either. He feels especially doe-eyed and soft inside when they're both too near, and it's always aimed at both of them, even if he's gotten a lot better at controlling how much he feels.

It always makes Alex feel weird - not in a bad way, just in the way that she notices - when Caleb talks about her and Danny, and that how it feels to him. She shrugs, curling into the sofa a little bit more. "I just can't see it," she says. "I can't...picture it. Something like that happening."

"You don't have to," he assures. "You just have to stop thinking you're somehow... undeserving of it." He looks down at Edie again, then at Alex. "You guys just made this whole, beautiful person together. Doesn't that count for something?"

"I can't just unlearn it all, Caleb," she says, softly. "I'm working on it, but...I was a disaster for so long. It's taking a while to figure out whether I can be someone else."

"I'm not saying you have to," he says, a little gentler, now. "At least, not all at once and not right away. Eventually, I think it'll happen, though. If you just trust you and trust him." He looks down at Edie again, smiling. "And this little one."

"Not historically very good at that," says Alex, because when has she ever known how to trust herself or anyone else? But the little girl in her arms is brand new, gorgeously so, and, suddenly, Alex feels like maybe she has it in her to believe in fresh starts.

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